Don’t look back…

I don’t know why I’m writing this other than the fact that this blog started as a sort of diary where I could vent my frustrations and write about my dreams and that’s how I still see it. Now it’s being read by others and some of the readers I don’t know. Which brings me back to what I just wrote. Why am I writing (or about to write) this? I need to get it off my chest and put it on ‘paper’ so to speak. I am very angry at myself for something I’ve just done. I was checking my Facebook when I noticed that in a few days it will be a certain friend’s birthday. So I went into his profile to write him my greetings…then I went on to the profile of a mutual friend of ours, who happens to be Munchkin’s biological father. For the first time I kept clicking onto photos. One led to the other. I couldn’t control my hand. And now I regret it. I don’t have any feelings for him and haven’t had for a long time. The only thing I feel when I see him (especially when I see photos of him with his son …born a year after Munchkin but taken care of and part of his family from the beginning) is pain. I hate to admit it but she has his face. She looks nothing like me. She’s a mix of my sister and him (that sounds weird!). What’s painful isn’t the resemblance but remembering that he never saw her, never wanted to and probably never will. And in a very selfish way I am happy about that. She doesn’t need an immature ‘parent’ drifting in and out of her life. She’s got a man for a father now, someone who loves her dearly and would give up his own life for her. But it still hurts. It hurts to think that she will one day find out he never wanted her. I am afraid that she will blame herself for not being ‘lovable’. Maybe I worry too much and all this won’t happen. She already knows she has another father somewhere whom we can’t meet and she’s not remotely interested in him. Let’s hope things remain this way. As for me, it’s obvious I still have issues I need to address. The anger has subsided and I hardly ever think about that part of my past, but just seeing a photo almost had me in tears. That can’t be good. But is it possible to delete one’s past from memory? I came to terms with the whole situation years ago…it’s just that I cannot accept the fact that someone can ignore the existence of their own daughter and then father someone else and appear to the world to be the perfect parent.

Ok, enough of all that! Angelina Ballerina beckons…

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  1. Thanks for sharing this, dear island fairy. Only someone who has been through a similar situation can maybe understand you. I haven’t been so I won’t be presumptous and even try to say that I will try to understand. But allow me to share with you 2 thoughts: one is that for a very long time and even now, your story has coloured with very dark colours this capricious person (who I don’t know and have no wish to know) and all his fellow compatriots (of whom I know but a very few). The second though is this: I have this … let’s call it creed… people come into our lives for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime. Only you can say what he will represent for you… though it might seem all three… and anyway it is too soon to forget, not with the vivid reminder always in front of your eyes every single day of your life. But you have also been lucky in meeting The Man. When you get these negative feelings, try to look at your blessings…. I’m using this exercise often these days … in my darkest moments (that we all get for different reasons, to different degrees and of varied duration), and it helps me overcome the worse moments until the sun comes out again. Thanks again and hugs.

    • thanks πŸ™‚ i guess he was in my life for a reason and i will be eternally grateful for that (both for the fact that he only was in it for a short time and for the reason he was in it). I honestly couldn’t be happier (well, maybe changing jobs would be the only thing i’d do). from a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being happiest, i feel 15. not only do i have the most amazing child for a daughter, but i also am married to the man i had admired from a distance for over 2 years before i actually got to know him. and what a man he is πŸ™‚ what saddens me about that other situation is not how it affects me, because at the end of the day i only got good things from it once i had overcome the physical and emotional difficulties of the first 2 years. it’s (and has always been) about Munchkin and how/whether the fact that her very existence was never acknowledged by her father (it kills me to call him her father because in my opinion he’s not…he’s not worthy of the title) will affect her later on in life. i guess we’ll just have to wait and hope for the best. she’s loved immensely and she knows it. So far so good.

  2. Never knew about that mau – I’m sorry for your pain but remember common DNA doesn’t make a man a father. It’s the small attention, the knowing he’s always there for you , and the picking you up when your life is in tatters that makes a man earn the title. You do your job as mum with honours, both you and your daughter r lucky to have found someone who loves and accepts you as you are (we all come with baggage believe me!). When she grows up and finds out the truth, notwithstanding her pain, she’ll always appreciate your love, and she’ll understand your grief at the moment. You could have stopped your life and lived it in regret and sorrow – instead you went out, found your husband and her true father, and gave both of you a life worth living. I wouldn’t worry about it πŸ™‚ Maybe it’s the dad subject, but this article really struck home for me. Kuragg πŸ™‚

  3. Keeping in mind that I didn’t know any of this until today, I genuinely always thought Maia really looked like your husband! I guess people see what they want to see, but I thought that this might help somewhat. You’re so strong and such a great mother xx

    • haha thanks! she’s his copy character-wise and most times i feel like the odd one out! as for looking like him, you’re not the first to think so. i see a lot of my sister in her but nothing of me except for the skin colour! thanks for the compliment. i don’t feel strong at all but i’m glad that at least i give that impression. πŸ˜€

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