Cry me a river

Today I did something I shouldn’t have. I broke down in tears in the presence of my daughter and my goddaughter. My daughter, in turn, got upset and burst into tears. I overheard her tell her dad that she wanted to give me a hug and make me a card (every excuse is good for making cards in this house) because I was sad. That’s when I realised I was being selfish. Or was I? As many of the blogging mums out there admit, motherhood does not come with an instruction book. You might read pediatricians’ books and God knows a new mum gets volumes worth of advice from anyone and everyone, but nobody really teaches you how to do this job to perfection. I know I should not cry in her presence because it worries her, especially because she’s a sensitive child but will she be growing with the idea that grownups never cry? That her mum never feels sad? That it’s not ok to show emotions? Whoever knows me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve (once you get to know me) and it’s incredibly difficult for me to hold back and not express myself, be it through laughter, tears, a raised voice (more often than not) or simply through discussing the matter upsetting me. This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions, with most of said emotions being on the negative side of the spectrum. Today I got some bad news. Nothing momentous, just negative but it was the drop that spilled the glass, quite literally. I feel very frustrated with myself and am trying to pull myself together but what I really need is to PAUSE. I need to stop and think and take some decisions. This is something I’ve already tried to do but eventually gave up. There’s a sense of failure which has been lurking in the darkest corners of my mind and it is finally rearing its ugly head. I am fighting it but there’s only so much fighting I have the energy to do.

Back to the ‘cheer up sad mummy’ card, this is what I got…

my little one's card, with her on the left and me on the right, walking down the stairs to the beach.
my goddaughter's card, with her and Munchkin throwing me up in the air!
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6 Comments

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  1. I have cried in front of my children, not often, but I have. I also get angry, more often than I care to admit. I also yell, rant and rave – it’s in my blood to do that as I am half Maltese and half Gozitan.

    The important thing for me is to demonstrate real emotion in front of my children, but to then follow through and explain at their level, so to give the emotion a context and allow them to feed into the situation.

    I am not perfect, but rather incredibly flawed and human.

    The greatest gift you could give Maia apart from your unconditional love is authenticity.

  2. You’re human too, and entitled to negative moments. I think you handled it well and it’s very obvious that your daughter loves you no matter what and I love that she felt that she could do something to help by making you a card πŸ™‚ (Literally LOL’d at them throwing you up in the air in the second picture!!!) πŸ™‚ Don’t sweat it. xx

  3. This whole post has me tearing up. I cry easy.

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