Writing this is probably not a good idea but I have to get what I’m feeling out or it will fester inside me and make things worse. So here’s the long and short of it: I feel like crap. And it’s not the sore throat, headache and fatigue I’m feeling that I’m referring to. I haven’t been the ideal mum lately. I don’t even really care about the ‘ideal’. All I want to do is give my daughters a happy childhood and I feel like I’m failing miserably.
With Robin it’s easier. She doesn’t understand my cussing when I have to carry her for another hour, biting my lower lip to distract myself from the pain in my arm and neck. She doesn’t see the tears I secretly shed when I feel dizzy from not having yet eaten anything at 6pm. She doesn’t realise how desperate I am for her to nap so I can have my first shower in two days. She smiles at me and I can’t help holding her closer and kissing the top of her head, inhaling the babyness which I know will soon start to fade away.
It’s Maia. It’s always Maia. The little girl who is now almost seven. The baby who made me a mother and who is a baby no more. The stubborn chatterbox who thinks she’s all grown up but who is really a sensitive soul longing to be held and looked at all the time. I’m failing her. This much I know. What I don’t know is how to stop myself from losing my patience with her. I don’t know how to teach her the skills and give her the tools that will help her grow into a well-rounded adult without making her hate me. I feel terrible writing this but maybe I wasn’t meant to have more than one child. I am nurturing one and failing the other.
I don’t know which way to turn and where to start from but something has to change. Something…or someone.