I have a confession to make.
There are days, most days in fact, when I feel like I’m not done having children. I’ve always dreamt of having a large family but actually becoming a mother and realising what hard work it is made me take down my quota from six to a maximum of three.
I knew, just a few hours after I had given birth to Maia, that I wanted to have more children. I didn’t know if and when this would happen but the desire to go through another pregnancy and labour and meeting the new soul I would have been growing inside me was strong. I never gave up on my desire to give Maia a sibling even when three years had passed and I was still single (with no real intention of looking for love). Then I met my husband and I knew he would be the father to my children…I just didn’t know many of them there would be.
Now there are two littles to take care of, two girls who give meaning to my life. They have become inseparable sisters, looking for each other the moment they wake up in the morning and crying when separated. One year after Robin’s birth, things seem to have settled. There are still days when I feel like screaming in frustration or crying tears of exhaustion. One such day was yesterday. Maia burned her arm, Robin fell flat on her face cutting her gums yet again, Maia and I couldn’t see eye to eye on anything…I am still reeling from the disaster that was yesterday (bar a couple of perfect hours in the morning). The heat, cabin fever, raging hormones once a month…they are all to blame for the days I wish I could grab my keys and drive off somewhere where nobody knows my name and I can just BE.
However, for every bad day I have, there are ten which are pure and unadulterated bliss. So good are some days that I find myself wondering when Maia and Robin will be joined by another sibling. I know there is a space deep inside me which is still vacant. It is still waiting for someone to fill it up. I still don’t have the feeling that our family is complete, like I hear a lot of mothers declaring when their second child arrives.
I don’t know whether the husband and I will ever decide to get pregnant again. When I share these thoughts with him, his reply is always ambiguous but never negative. One day he might say that there is still space to fit a third car seat in my car, another he says we wouldn’t die of hunger if another person had to join our family. We both seem to go through the same motions…wondering how life would be with three children, smiling at the thought of our girls taking care of and arguing with another sibling, only to find ourselves swearing that two children are more than we can handle just a few hours later.
I can’t tell what the future holds but I do know that I will be forever thankful for my two daughters, for every moment I get to spend with them, taking care of them, laughing with them, arguing with them, worrying about them. If another person is really in my future, that would be the cherry on top of an already perfectly sweet cake.