Last night we were this close to taking Robin to hospital again. Her breathing was laboured and she was wheezing. Thankfully, a second dose of inhaler worked and she later managed to sleep. I, on the other hand, spend the whole night counting her breaths per minute and having nightmares involving her and horrific emergencies.
Friends, I’m a total wreck right now. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat, have trouble sleeping and even breathing at times and my anxiety levels are off the chart. All I can think about is how I’m failing my two daughters. One of them is still not over her health problems and we have to wait some more before we decide whether she will be getting grommets. The other one is suddenly on the verge of being diagnosed with asthma. How did this happen? How could I let things deteriorate to this point?
I know that they both inherited their predisposition to allergies and respiratory problems from me and there’s nothing I could have done about that but I still feel like an utter failure as their mother. I don’t know what more I could have done to prevent all this but I still feel like I failed them. And I feel even worse for allowing my feelings to come in the way when I should be the one to remain calm and reassure them that everything will be ok. The truth is that I’m not seeing an end to this dark tunnel. I have turned to my faith, I have read hundreds of articles on allergies and asthma and the husband is my rock throughout all this. And yet, I remain in this pit of negativity. I’m exhausted from all the anxiety I’m constantly carrying around and it’s affecting the very job I’m anxious about performing to the best of my abilities.
There is a strong probability that Robin is asthmatic but we will know for certain in a couple more weeks (and after she has had more episodes like the one of last night). There is also a strong probability we will end up in hospital again at any given moment so I don’t know when I’ll be back here. I just hope that the next time I’ll be in a better place.