Thanks to all of you who have shown concern regarding Robin and her injury. Two days ago she started to walk again! She limped for a couple of days but is now back to normal. She isn’t running yet, but will get there in no time at all at this rate.
These past couple of weeks have been dedicated almost exclusively to Maia and her various fun activities, as I mentioned earlier this week. This sometimes means that it’s not worth driving back home during a rehearsal she might be attending, so Robin and I find ourselves with an hour or two to kill while her sister wiggles her bottom at the dance studio. It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of panicking about the accumulating housework that I cannot seem to get to the bottom of. Then I become irritable and take it out on those around me (namely, my patient husband and sweet girlies). So I’m doing my best to try and maximise the little time I’m left with after all the ferrying around the island has been done. Then there are other days I just (try to) stop at a cafe’ with Robin for a cappuccino and croissant. She used to enjoy it as much as me, sharing my croissant, smiling at the other patrons and scribbling on the notepad I always carry with me. Now I find myself doing a lot of this to keep her entertained:
Speaking of Maia…
Our relationship has always been a little complicated. We (obviously) love each other to bits. She owns a big chunk of my heart and I am the person she wants to spend her life with (according to her). However, as she grows older and struggles with the need for more independence from me, there seems to be an underlying tension between us with threatens to explode (and does) on certain days. One such day happened last weekend.
Friends, I’m going to bare my soul here and hope you understand me or can guide me if you have experienced similar situations. I lost my patience in a monumental way with her. I shouted like a fishmonger does on a summer morning here on the islands. I’m pretty sure the neighbours considered knocking on our door to check that we were all in one piece. I was, and still am, so ashamed of my behaviour with one of the persons I love the most in the world.
The truth is that I am feeling very frustrated. I want to make the three persons I share my life with happy. Of the three of them, Maia is the hardest to please. Nothing I ever do seems to be good enough for her. Some days I feel like I’m treading on eggshells.
Two days ago I hit rock bottom. I broke down and had a long chat with the husband about my relationship with our daughter and I came to a few conclusions which had been staring me in the face all along. The truth is that I am not taking very good care of myself. I am not exercising (I cannot even locate my yoga mat at this point), I haven’t worn makeup in months (call me shallow but I’m being honest), my hair is a permanent mess of overgrown roots (although I saw to that three weeks ago) and out of control regrowth, I am not writing and I haven’t done some freelance work in months. Not surprisingly, all this is getting to me. I feel frustrated, look haggard and there are even days when I feel trapped.
And this doesn’t make any sense at all because, really, I am beyond grateful I can spend my days taking care of my family. This is only a season in my life and it’s one of the most beautiful. In the not so distant future, I’ll look back on these days and miss them. I know that. But that doesn’t make the present any easier. Don’t get me wrong; I am very aware of how lucky I am and I will be forever grateful. The truth remains, however, that I need to take care of myself if I am to take good care of others. My family deserve this and more.
We started our Christmas holidays an hour ago. We have two weeks of enjoying each other before school and various lessons start again and, with the exception of a dance show tomorrow and another one next weekend, we have no commitments except coffee and play dates with friends (coffee for the grownups, play for the kids in case you were wondering). I couldn’t be happier about it.
Actually, I could be happier. Can we all cross our fingers and toes so my husband doesn’t have to go in to work on Christmas day? I still have no idea whether I’ll be spending the day alone with the girls or not. I’m really really hoping I’m not but I guess you’ll know soon enough.
- Never a dull moment (islandfairy.wordpress.com)