Dreams

I’m home alone (well, Ivy’s napping in the other room). To my right are a wooden toy bus, devoid of wooden passengers, a deconstructed wooden burger, a few crumpled sheets of paper covered in Ivy’s scribbles and a rogue few items of clothing belonging to the husband. Behind me is a kitchen sink full of dirty dishes and outside, just behind this computer screen, is laundry which will soon become stiff in the hot afternoon sun.

I could be cleaning up. I could be crossing a few items off my never-ending To Do list. I could even be catching up on some sleep, which has been elusive this past week, with Ivy being poorly yet again. Instead, I’m binge-watching Casey Neistat’s vlogs. If you don’t know who Casey is, I’ll give you a brief introduction. He’s in his 30s, lives in New York City, is father to a teenage son and a baby girl the exact same age as Ivy and is married to a jewellery designer. He’s a film maker and a YouTube vlogger. He is also part of the reason Maia, who is hugely inspired by this man who is old enough to be her dad, is working on her first video.

That is her dream, at a time so full of uncertainties. I remember only too well being her age, trying to come to terms with the fact that primary school would now only be part of my memories. She is scared of the unknown that is waiting behind the corner. In two months’ time, her life will change and she doesn’t exactly know what to expect, which is daunting for someone who always needs to know what’s happening next. She didn’t tell me all this but I can read those words in her eyes when she asks to discuss backpack options. I can see the fear and doubts. I can see them because I know what they look like. So I’m hoping that this little project will be her anchor in the coming weeks and months. I hope it gives her the stability she needs when I fail to provide it.

That is her dream. My dream is different. I dream of learning the art of self-care. I dream of being a better example to my three daughters, of showing them how to be elegant, not only in attire but mostly in demeanour. I dream of putting the words swimming in my head, day and night, on paper. Mostly, I dream of not putting my own dreams on the back burner any longer. I dream of doing more, as Casey Neistat would say.

We all have dreams. What are you doing today to make yours come true?

neistat

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2 Comments

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  1. You will soon Maur…. give it couple more years…. Ivy will grow and become more independent….like the other two have…. it will get better and you will soon be able to pursue your dream…saying this from experience…promise! In tge the meantine… sometimes ingnore the house chores… and write about it….makes us others… less able to write… to feel normal. Hugs

    • Thank you so much for reminding me! I know it’s obvious and I should already know that but there are days (weeks or months even) when I forget that even Ivy will grow up. I just feel a little impatient and feel like I’ve put my own needs and aspirations on hold for so so long that I sometimes feel about to burst. It’s been over 12 years of living for someone else and while I would never ever ever want to go back to how I was before, I wish I could find some sort of time/energy pocket just for myself.

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