This blog used to be my diary, my safe place to dump my thoughts, my lifeline to the outside world when I felt the most isolated. And I wish it still was. I often open the app and start typing in a sentence, only to stop myself before I’ve even finished it. That nagging little voice of self-doubt will start whispering belittling things in my ear and won’t stop until I’ve closed the app.
Yesterday I told a friend that writing here might help me make sense of the feeling of overwhelm that keeps trying to drown me. So here I am, trying to put my jumbled thoughts into words. I have nothing to complain about, absolutely nothing. I am as healthy as I can hope to be, my family is doing well, I feel loved, I have a home and three meals (plus multiple snacks) a day and I feel safe. So why do I feel like I can’t catch my breath?
Maybe it’s having three children to care for, a relationship with my husband I want to nurture, multiple small jobs I try to fit in during school hours and a flat that never EVER looks anywhere near clean or tidy. Maybe. But then I think of all the amazing women I know who do all that and more. They have children, a house, a husband AND a full-time job to boot and they all manage to go to the gym regularly, have their legs waxed, look groomed everyday and don’t wear clothes they bought before even becoming parents. I know very well that comparing myself to others is the surest way to feel defeated, but I can’t help wondering what more I could be doing to feel more in control of my life.
I wish I could insert a few high quality photos at this point, but my phone is broken and high quality it is not. And I haven’t touched a proper camera in many months. I also wish I could find a resolution to this rambling post, but there isn’t one I can think of. So, thank you if you have read this far and, please, if you have cracked the secret to managing your life, teach me your ways! I am eager to learn.